What Does it mean when somebody tells me they leave me. I think I'll ask the next person who say it to me. "What the fuck are U tryin' to tell me?
I've heard it from someone recently. I think the person usin' it thought that If I'd heard it I'd fall to my knees & worship the ground that they walk on.
Whwn that wasn't done those words were said to've been put on text by their child. That right there put me on notice.
1. HAD i SAID i LOVED HER I'm sure the balance of power in our relationship would've shifted. Love is not to be used as a counter weight to bring things into 1's favor, It can be used that way.
Many people who've taken care to get to know me will verify that I'm a big fan of love & all the correct things that come along with it. So here I say the following things.
I tell U I love U & am willing to begin something special with you. You do not respond. I get sad. I cry.
 tell U that I miss U more than words can say & that I wish I knew that U missed me too. No response from U.
I tell U that I want U & that wanting me in return would put us in an opportune place to take advantage of the situation.
Yes, I felt those things. Yes, I would've given anything to be with U.
I've learned to swallow a freakin' bitter pill.
1. U don't & never did want me to feel the way I feel. If that's the case than I'll go with no fuss or tears. I'll go. 2. U love me but U're waiting for the other shoe or for someone else to say the same. I used to have a contingencey plan. I think I 'm the contingencey plan.
I've been here before & whatever your intentions I tell U know to take tose intentions, shine em up right nice, turn thos e intentions sideways & stick em up your ass. U're an amateur.
Go play in traffic or whatever young guy U feel U can strog arm or manipulate. I think I'm out of your league by far. Actually, I don't think, I know.
U can't hear someone tell U sweet things for 3 or more days & not comment. The decision to do that has cost U so much when it comes to me.
I don't hate U. I don't dislike U. I don't disown U. What I do know is that maybe U & MY SON'S MOTHER should hang out.
U're 2 self servin' peas in a pod!!!

An open poem to U.

I could write out for U the perfect love song
about life long love & our destiny to be together.
I know when I'm with you I'm where I belong
I've waited for this moment for what feels like forever.
Sometimes I can see that there's doubt I'm for real
& I couldn't blame U for tellin' me it's all over again.
I want U to know exactly what it is U make me feel
& I can say I haven't felt this since I don't know when.
I want to know what I have to do to put U at ease
cause you're the one I wanna be with from here on out.
If I gotta do it I'll get down & beg U on both knees
to let U know that U're the 1 thing I don't wanna live without.
If U gotta know the reason I'm smilin' when you're near.
It's because of the way U make me feel in that place so deep.
Now if only I could make U see it like it was crystal clear
U'd know every reason why you're the 1 I want to keep.
When I'm here all alone I feel I'm at the end of my rope
& I'm just dyin' here inside wishin' you'd show me a sign.
I've got to know if there's no reason for me to have hope
& I'd be the happiest man alive if U'd tell me that U'd be mine.

An explaination

1 can always make an excuse for certain behavior. I have my excuses I'll admit it.
I used alot of things to keep me up because I was tired. I was always up so I had to ingest something to help me relax. I became passionate about colors so I had to eat all those M & Ms.
My point's been made I think.
The thing I'm goin' to change is bein' an underachiever. I don't have a problem tellin' anyone that'll listen that I get what I need outta life & most of what I want too.
Every once in a while I want something that I have to get up off my ass & work for. I don't mind workin' for what I want. I don't mind puttin' in the hours cause even if what I want isn't what I want at all something better always presents itself.
I think I've run into that want now. Am I used to things fallin' into my lap? Yes I am! Am I used to things goin' the way I want? Fuck yeah I am!
What happens when I don't get what I want when I want it? 1st, there's a period of appearin' utterly confounded. That's where I was until I remind myself of exactly who it is I think I am & that I'm really all that & a bag of chips.
Should I sweat not havin' what I want? I do! Why? Cause if I don't get it I don't know what I'll do with myself.
How am I gonna pull this off? Oh, I will! Trust me!
I know I've mentioned "by hook or by crook" before. I sat back & thought about it today.
I know without a shadow of a doub that this cause is worthy of the by hook or by crook attitude. Everything that I want is. Why? 'Cause I say that I need it so it's a done deal. There's absolutely no denyin' it.
If I want it, it will be mine by hook or by crook! I don't have time to fuck around with this 1. The clock is literally tickin' & I want it by the time I'm 40.
See, all I see now is the end result. I see me with that sweet mess all over my face like a kid who got his candy bar. What a sweet day that'll be!

At this point

I make mistakes. I apologize, never intend to make that mistake again & move on.
I hate sayin' sorry. I hated not gettin' forgiven.
My end is covered. Now for a rant about U. When & if I ask U for something just say no or yes. I hate bain' treated like a child with a maybe or a later. As an adult I appreciate a straight answer & if U can't give me 1 than I won't ask U another question again.
Now at this point I really wanna say what it was that I wanted. Why did I want U to drop everything & come with me? I said it was important to me. At this point tellin' U why would make U feel like the asshole & that's a role I'd rather play at this point for U of course.
Me, I'd have gone just cause U asked me to. I have before & I'm slow to catch on to motives whether known or unknown .
I'm the type of guy that needs an investment of time. U can't make time for  me than we're gonna have an issue. Not really! I'm content to leave a situation that has nothin' for me. I'm content to leave a person be who can't give me time. Is that selfish? Maybe!
I don't know but it feels right to me!!!
That's all I ever have to say about that!

Ramblin' on!!!

Been thinkin' 'bout a few things over the last few days. Things are becoming clear to me. Call it a stroke of luck, grace, healing or coming of age but I'm feel like I'm really comin' to a great place in my life in the next few years.
I made a vow to myself to do & say whatever I need to say & do to be happy if it doesn't hurt anyone else.
I'm all flush with my past. I only feel angst when it comes to a certain thing & I'm workin' on that. I get closer & closer to pullin' this one off everyday. I suppose I need to get mad & my anger will pull me through.
I just have no reason to be angry. The last time I got mad I lost that person I was mad at. It takes what it takes & I guess I gotta get that driven again.
I plan on havin' it all wrapped up in the next week or 2. I'm just at a loss for plannin' something that's supposed to be natural & spontaneous. Leave it to me to make the obvious impossible. Sometimes I'm my own worse enemy.
Whatever! I gotta give myself some props. I know I can be an asshole. As my hand is forced I recall bein' real good at that. I'm learnin' that I don't need to get mean or nasty. I'm just tryin' something different.
But back to that one thing I gotta do just to be happy with myself. If all goes well I've had a feelin' for a while that I'll be mint. If it falls through than it falls through I guess.
At this point I believe all that stands between my destiny & I is my ego! If things don't go the way I think they should than my ego'll take a blow. Will I get over it? Probably!
I'm actually enjoyin' buidlin' up to the inevitable. Just thinkin' about doin' it gives me butterflies in my stomach. I love that nervous feelin'!
I think I keep thinkin' back to a familiar situation. I can't recall 1 but I'm aware that people build up to something & when it's all said n done the build up was all the rush & everything else that followed was a let down.
I know I need to be sure because I keep tellin' myself that. I'm pretty sure that I'm sure I wanna do this on a full time basis. When it's all said & done I'm gonna write the book.
At this moment I can kick back. I suppose I'll have it all worked out sooner than later. Perfect segway to my next blog.

Happy Thanksgiving

 Thanksgiving was the sh*t in Brooklyn. No offense to anyone that's had me for the last 25 years. Let me give you the lo down on Thanksgiving at Aunt MaryAnn's
 1st the leaves had changed colors. So the outdoor ambiance was to die for.
 King Kong & Mighty Joe Young were gonna come on channel 9.
 It was time to go to Aunt MaryAnn's in Sea Gate.
 There were 5 things that happened every Thanksgiving that you could bet $ on.
1. The food was bomb digs. 2. Aunt Yetta would pay me to say fuck. 3. Aunt Yetta & Grandma Bert would fight like fiesty gangstas over the rear end of the turkey. 4. My dad would get popped in the face by Grandma Bert for drinkin' the wine meant for the whole family. 5. Us kids were told not to play ball in the house with the dogs & somehow the ball & the Thanksgiving table were magnetically drawn together.
It was a miracle that year after year we made it out alive & we were invited back for Christmas too. God I miss Thanksgiving in Sea Gate.
 I think next year I start my own great yet disfunctional Thanksgivings. Won't be Sea Gate & I'll set aside the turkey ass for Aunt Yetta & Grandma Bert.

Just In Case

If I could I would use my hand to carve it in stone
When I'm finally gone everyone who looked would know
that I feel a certain way about you & only you.                               If I told U than U'd never spend another night alone
& there's a good chance U'd never want me to go
but fear's made that something I can't bring myself to do.

Don't care if it's my place or your place
I know this feelin' I feel weighs a ton.
I'm puttin' it here just in case
for some reason this thing doesn't get done.

I know something keeps me holdin' on so tight
to the words that I really have to say
& I think U might be scared to feel things too
Sometimes it's easier to keep things out of the light
so I keep lettin' these chances slip away
& hopefully these silly fears aren't lost on you.

Just in case something happens to make me weak
know that my heart, my love & my soul belongs to U.
Just in case I can't find the right words to speak
know that lovin U is what I 've been wantin' to do.

Sometimes I get caught up in how I really feel
& I can't find the words I planned to let you know
than the moment's gone & I don't know what to do.
Wish I could make you see that I'm really for real
& that I'm the only man who can love you so,
so I'm writin' these words & they're meant for U!

Just in case I don't find a way to say what I wanna say
I'll place these words where they're not too hard to find
Hopefully I'll get the nerve up before U up & walk away
U have to know I feel that U were born to be all mine.